Updated: Oct 3, 2020
I was homeless. No address, no money for a room, belongings in my truck -homeless. One moment of irresponsibility took my kids and me from a six-bedroom, three-bathroom, Craftsman style home to the interior of my Kia Sorento. Despite having a dream job with excellent benefits and a second stream of income, it was not enough to save me from me. I fell and I fell hard.
This seemed to be a sort of culmination; all of the years of living up to everyone's expectations caught up with me at once. On the outside, I was poised and polished but on the inside, I was slowly rotting away. It felt as if my life was just grains of sand, slipping through my tightly gripped fingers. Every attempt to maintain was futile.
I was losing my mind. The enemy had a grip on my heart and my head foolishly followed. Scenarios played over and over in my mind of how my family, friends, co-workers, strangers even, would discover my body. Slumped, defeated, and life-less. It was true, unrelenting torment on a daily basis. There was no one I could tell, no one could possibly understand...this is what the enemy whispered day in and day out.
On the final night of torment, I was a battered mess. Tears running down my face, I pulled into the hospital parking lot and decided to "turn myself in" before I hurt myself or someone else. Just as I was about to open the car door, something said scream. An overwhelming, goose-bump forming sensation gathered in the pit of my stomach and said scream. I obeyed and let out a gut-wrenching howl from the pit of my sorry soul.
Something broke. In that moment of obedience, I felt a weight lift and my mind cleared just enough for me to reason with God. We went back and forth for hours until I perceived three things:
My children carry gifts that are bigger than my suffering and need to reach maturity.
My testimony will save many more lives than mine.
The things accomplished in my own strength, only scratched the surface of what God desires to do in my life.
I had to hit rock bottom, and literally break-in two to unlock God's vision for me. The comforts of the life I'd built, formed a barrier to truth and purpose that would forever change lives. God needed to show me that my hope and future would only be sufficient in him. I had to shed the barrier and become vulnerable to righteous change.
I got the memo. Years later, as I sit in this coffee shop ruminate of how difficult that time was, I am truly grateful for the grace that I received and the do-over that I was given. God traded beauty for ashes and restored me to a higher version of me, a version reflecting him and living a life of spirit, truth, and purpose. He knocked and I answered, and he came in and cleaned house. Now the smile I wear is truly genuine, and the message I bare really means something. Now I can say in all honesty, God can and will restore. He did it for me and he can do it for you, he's just waiting for you to get out of the way.
Until next time, remember "Love Leads".